Before you start, sample the rum and check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now, go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc., and check that rum again for quality. It must be just right. Try it again. With an electric beater, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make certain that rum is of best quality.

Add 2 large eggs and 2 cups dried fruit and beat well, until very high. If fruit gets stuck in beater, pry it out with screwdriver. Sample rum again checking for consistency.

Next sift in 3 cups of baking powder, add a pint of rum, 1 seaspoon toda and 1 cup of pepper, or is it salt. Anyway, don't fret; just test the rum again. SOWIE.

Now, sift in half a pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped buttermilk and add strained nuts. Shample the rum again.

Now, 1 bablespoon srown tugar or whatever color is around. Mix well. Grease oven and turn on cake pan to 350 degrees.

Now pour the whole mixture into the oven and... ooops... now where's I put that mop?

On second thought, and also third and fourth forget the oven, forget the cake, check the rest of the rum and go to bed.