Cut meat off of two whole chicken breasts. Strip meat into 2 inch strips. Marinate in:

1/4 c. Chinese (thick) soy sauce
1 to 2 smashed and diced cloves garlic
2 to 3 tsp. sugar
1 to 2 tbsp. of hoisin sauce
1 slug sherry wine

Marinate 4 hours or so (overnight is better). Fry in wok, small handful at a time, let drain and cool.

Shred 1 to 2 heads lettuce (depending volume needed)
1/2 to 1 c. slivered green onion (use the white part, too)
1 to 2 tbsp. toasted sesame seeds (tan or black ones)
1/4 c. slivered almonds
1 big grab mai fan (clear rice noodle, cook in wok they puff up and splatter oil - watch out!)

Mix up in one or two large salad bowls. Put sauce on just before serving.

SAUCE:

2 to 3 tsp. dry mustard
1 to 2 tbsp. hoisin sauce
1/2 to 1 tsp. sugar
1 to 2 tbsp. sesame oil
2 to 3 tbsp. red wine vinegar
1 to 2 tbsp. salad oil

This is guaranteed to wipe out your kitchen, try putting newspapers around area to catch everything.