2 or 3 qts. rum
1 c. sugar
1 c. dried fruit
2 sticks butter
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tbsp. lemon juice
1/2 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. nuts

Pour 2 cups of rum into a glass, set aside. Get your mixer and a great big bowl. Now sample 1 cup of the rum to make sure it's of good quality. Now, beat the butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 2 teaspoons of sugar and beat some more. Keep adding the sugar until you run out. Meanwhile, drink the other cup of rum, just to make sure it hasn't lost any of it's quality. Now, wack to bork. Add some eggs, and 2 cups dried fruit, beat until high. Pry any fruit stuck in the beaters loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, is it still okay?

Next, sift 3 cups of baking powder, a little salt, a teaspoon of soda and a cup of pepper or paprika (it doesn't really matter). Take another sip of rum. Sift a pint of lemon juice. Fold in the strained nuts and chopped butter. Add 1 teaspoon of brown sugar, or whatever color you can find. Mix well. Find a big pan. Grease the oven. Maybe it would be best to forget the cake. Sample the rum one more time. Go to bed.